yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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