Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
