Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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