God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
