I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
