Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
