and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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