My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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