As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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