6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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