Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
