he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
