i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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