Yo dont text me then not text me
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
