Plan B is the new Plan A
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
