So drunk, too bad you don't want this
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
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i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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