Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
