They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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