Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
