Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
