I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
