tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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