My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
my sisters under your porch take her home
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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