Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
