I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
