I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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