just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
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Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
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You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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