She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
