i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
