At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
