There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
