You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
