I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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