when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
