I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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