a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
