This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
