my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
