Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
