what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
