Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
