youre lurking in front of me
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
