Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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