sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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