I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
