and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
