Umm I'm too high to move.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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