first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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