Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
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i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
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It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize