how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
