I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
