theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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