were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
