Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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