My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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